12-month spiritual checkup is good for marriage and soul

By Dr. Tom Neal
Contributing Writer

I love New Year’s resolutions! New beginnings, fresh opportunities for change and growth. So much hope at these thresholds of life, where I can choose to leave behind what weighs me down and take on what lifts me – and others – up.

At the start of each Advent, it has been my custom for years to do a mini “life audit” by setting my core priorities side-by-side with my use of time and various commitments to see how they line up.

My relationship with God, my wife and my children – in that order – are at the heart of my core priorities. Then extended family, friendships, work and other things.

After evaluating alignments, consulting with a mentor and praying, I make one or two significant changes in my life to address what I see has become misaligned. Then when Jan. 1 rolls around, I have another opportunity to see how that change has fared over the month that has passed. I can tweak the change and resolve again to be faithful to it. And then when Lent comes, I revisit it yet again.

This focused practice has been transformative in my life over the years.

Quiet time was revelatory

In Advent 2021, I realized, among other things, I had allowed my consistent commitment to spending intentional and planned time with my wife to erode. The effects were evident, and not good. Busyness, stress and complacency all contributed to the erosion. Once I saw this, I knew what needed to change. Then something cool happened.

The day I was going to tell Patti of my new resolution, a student in my Theology of Marriage class at Notre Dame Seminary emailed me this quote: “A marriage does not remain healthy and survive hardship by chance. Instead, such longevity is the result of thousands of decisions to move toward your partner, rather than away, especially when things are tough.”

He followed up this quote by writing, “Dr. N., Just as you said in class: (marital) covenant before children; marriage is an axis, not a rim!” I could hear that still small voice saying to me through this email: “Practice what you teach!”

It certainly solidified my commitment.

For those interested in a more spiritual way of engaging in thoughtful decision-making, I would highly recommend two books by Father Timothy M. Gallagher, both of which I have greatly benefited from: “The Discernment of Spirits: An Ignatian Guide for Everyday,” as well as Father Gallagher’s  “Discernment of Spirits in Marriage.”

Also, at all opportunities, I recommend to others what is my own personal favorite book on growing in a life of prayer: “Beginning to Pray,” by Anthony Bloom. It is both accessible and deep, and having read it nearly a dozen times, I can say I have not yet exhausted its riches!

A blessed, happy and healthy 2022 to you, and may God guide you in resolving to become the man or woman he created you to be.

Dr. Tom Neal is a professor of spiritual theology at Notre Dame Seminary in New Orleans.