‘Ethical’ conflict is necessary in a peaceful home

By Dr. Christopher O’Neill
Office of Marriage & Family Life

Something peculiar stood out to me as I was reviewing papal documents that form what is now called “Catholic Social Teaching.” Anyone interested in politics or the economy, but looking for a reprieve from the incessant partisan bickering of the election year, would do well to become familiar with the development of these teachings since Leo XIII’s “Rerum Novarum” in the late 1800s through Pope Benedict XVI’s “Caritas in Veritate” in 2009.

There is a rich body of reflection on very important topics. It may be enough to say that our Catholic tradition takes a far more nuanced approach to societal problems than anything we may find on the 24-hour news channels.

But what stood out for me, especially as I had in mind the everyday responsibilities and struggles of family life, was the role that conflict plays in these documents. Time and again, the tradition of the Church tells us that we should expect conflict in society, that conflict isn’t simply negative, and that, in fact, the prideful attempt to eliminate all conflict is at the root of the many inadequate ideologies that exacerbate rather than relieve world sufferings.

Pope Leo XIII, speaking about the difficulties that arise in the struggle between classes, in very stark terms said if there were any leaders who held out the hope “to a hard-pressed people the boon of freedom from pain and trouble, an undisturbed repose, and constant enjoyment – they delude the people and impose upon them; and their lying promises will only one day bring forth evils worse than the present” (Rerum Novarum, 18-19).

St. John Paul II says: “The Church is well aware that in the course of history, conflicts between different social groups inevitably arise, and that in the face of such conflicts, Christians must often take a position, “honestly and decisively.” But he adds that conflict unrestrained “by ethical or juridical considerations or by respect for the dignity of others” contributes to “a partisan interest which replaces the common good and sets out to destroy whatever stands in its way.”

How often, in our families and in our marriages, are we seduced by a false hope that there ought not be any conflict?  How often do we become so frustrated by the constant presence of conflict that it leads us to believe that the relationship between husband and wife is inherently and irreconcilably hostile? How often does our impatience with conflict tempt us toward “total war” in order to “win the argument” and end the conflict once and for all?

It is important that conflict not hold the dominant place in our relationships. It is well established in research that relationships get into serious trouble when the ratio of positive to negative interactions between partners falls below five positive things about their partners for every one negative thing they might say.

Gratitude, mutual esteem and respect between the spouses should, indeed, predominate.  But what is less well known is that the same research shows that relationships also get into trouble if there is not enough conflict, constructive criticism and honest wrestling. It is then that the couple has stopped helping one another deal with the  complexities of life together.  None of us has such a firm handle on things that we don’t need someone to call us out, in charity and kindness, when our bad ideas start taking over.

It is part of God’s plan for us that we “must often take a position, honestly and decisively,” and we should expect others in our life to do the same.  Only then can we help one another become aware of what we don’t understand about the complex situation we are dealing with, and move toward more sophisticated and creative solutions.

It is through healthy and respectful conflict that our perspectives become richer, our gratitude for our partner becomes stronger and our love becomes deeper. It is part of what it means for us to be one another’s “helpmate.”

Peace isn’t the absence of conflict. It is a cooperative engagement with the truth that leads us from the good to the better. It is a meaningful striving together that gives us joy in our work. It is what family life is meant to model and the gift that authentic family life is to a broken, contentious world.

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