Guidelines for managing conflict

By Father Joseph Palermo
Guest columnist

The conflict-management guidelines below were taken, with a few emendations, from the “Handbook for Catholic Engaged Encounter,” available on Amazon. (Revised and updated in November 2018).

1. Stick to the subject.

 Don’t dredge up the past.  

2. Be honest but not hurtful.

Choose your words carefully.  

3. Use ‘I feel’ messages. 

For example, instead of saying “You make me angry when you are late,” try “I feel angry and annoyed when you don’t call to let me know you won’t be home for dinner.” When we begin feeling statements with “you,” this often puts the other person on the defensive.

4. No name calling, including pet names used sarcastically. 

The better you know someone, the better you know his or her vulnerable spots.  

5. Remain calm. 

No yelling and no violence, but don’t use the “silent treatment” and sweep a problem under the rug either.

6. No third parties. 

Don’t drag a family member, friend or stranger into a conflict. This makes the conflict harder to resolve. The only exception is if you both agree that you need the help of a professional (counselor, financial advisor, clergy) or if you both agree to ask someone you know for advice.

7. Choose the time of your discussion carefully.

Make sure you have enough time for open and honest discussion. Avoid times such as just before leaving for work, late at night, or just before someone is about to come over. Be sure to finish the argument even if you have to call a truce until you have time to think and pray about it or agree to hold it until a time that is more conducive to coming to a resolution.

8. Give each other equal time.

Don’t interrupt when the other is speaking. Listen to one another. Give the other a fair chance to express feelings and opinions. Repeat back what the other is saying without rebuttal or embellishment. If you can’t do this, consider writing and dialoguing.

9. Maintain a sense of humor.

10. Avoid power statements and actions: ‘I hate you’ or ‘Maybe I should move out.’

Never threaten to withdraw support, financial backing or love.

11. Avoid exaggerated statements. 

Avoid using “always” or “never” unless you say, “I will always love you and I will never leave you.”

12. When you’re wrong, admit it.  

13. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I apologize’ is important, but also be sure to ask for forgiveness.

 “Will you forgive me?” transfers the power to the person who is hurt.

14. Hold hands to maintain contact. 

It’s harder to stay angry or hurt when there’s tender physical contact.