Marriage wisdom from 52 years together

by Jan and Lloyd Tate

By Jan and Lloyd Tate
Guest Columnists

"What are some of the things you wish you had known when you got married?” someone asked us several years ago.

That got us thinking about the more impactful things we had to learn the hard way over the past 52 years. Here are two of those lessons.

Familial influences

First and foremost, we were not aware of the unrecognized influence of our families of origin on our marriage relationship. We naively expected that on our wedding day, we would walk out of church and start a whole new life together, essentially taking out a clean sheet of paper and writing a whole new story.

However, we quickly began to learn that our expectations of marriage, of ourselves and of each other were somehow intertwined with our past experiences of life, which were influenced by the different family systems that we witnessed growing up. We each had formed in our minds a paradigm of what marriage “should” look like, and because our respective parents had lived their marriage in very different ways, our expectations of life and of one another would often clash.

Those tensions would result in conflicts that required hard conversations and much emotional soul-searching. We now realize that discussing the differences in our families of origin is an essential practice to engage in before the wedding and as an ongoing topic of conversation throughout the years of marriage.

The influence of our family of origin is like the hub of the wheel, and all the other aspects of married life form the spokes emanating from that hub. Truly, the influence of our family systems touches every area of our lives. These ongoing, but sometimes difficult, conversations can open up a world of understanding of one another that helps promote a more peaceful acceptance of our differences.

Two other insights that have helped us have a more harmonious relationship are rooted in our communication patterns.

First, it is essential to realize that what my spouse says to me and what I hear my spouse say to me can be vastly different. I “hear” from my own inner world and self-concept, and I interpret what the other is saying from my point of view. Often that is not what my spouse intended to say at all!

Learning to ask calmly for clarification from one another has reduced our misunderstandings and thus has resulted in fewer conflicts.

‘Thinkers’ and ‘feelers’

Secondly, it is important to understand that feelings may not always be rational or logical – but they are still genuine.

Since “thinkers” often marry “feelers,” tensions can arise when the “thinker” seems to be rejecting feelings that don’t make sense or that seem irrational. Respecting the feelings of the other as genuine and seeking to understand instead of judging or rejecting them promotes greater harmony in the marriage.

Since the goal of sacramental marriage is unity in imitation of the Trinity, our efforts to acquire greater self-knowledge and understanding as well as acceptance of our spouse’s differences is essential in achieving that unity of mind, heart and soul that leads to inner peace and harmony in our life together as husband and wife.

Jan and Lloyd Tate are the authors of the In-Home Marriage Preparation program, which utilizes married couples to host engaged couples for marriage preparation.