Of Sister Cities, LIV Golf beer scrambles and Trojan horses

By Peter Finney Jr.
Clarion Herald

For more than a half-century on New Year’s Eve, my dad, Peter Finney Sr., would take a cannonball dive into the deep – predicting with mock certainty what would happen in the world of sports in the coming 12 months. He would laugh at himself when readers cut out his column and mailed it back to him like newsprint graffiti, with Xs for the misses. (“I never realized how many people in New Orleans wrote with crayons,” he loved to say.)  So, in honor of my Poppa, here’s a stroll through 2023, complete with more caution tape, potholes and oyster shells than the average Lakeview street. Remember, Margaret Orr and Bob Breck can make the National Weather Service Hall of Fame by batting .189 in their predictions.

JANUARY: Saints close out 2022 winning three of four (losing to Philly) to finish 7-10, but turnovers, penalties and 24/7 ennui doom Dennis Allen, who is jettisoned after one season. Mickey Loomis makes a pressure play for Sean Payton to return from his quasi-sabbatical, but Payton looks at the QB position and maneuvers an $18 million-a-year pay day with the Chargers and QB Justin Herbert. … Saints turn to Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh, who is incredibly goofy but effective. … A squirrel takes out an Entergy transformer at Canal and Broad, and a cross-eyed gnat zaps a feeder line at Esplanade and Chartres, thrusting the city into darkness. Mayor Cantrell’s blue ribbon commission investigates Entergy’s redundancy systems and urges a one-time, $350 customer fee to fund an Audubon Institute outreach that will mandate etiquette lessons for creatures according to the Genesis 1:24 road map: “Every kind of living creature – tame animals, crawling things and every kind of wild animal – will be schooled in how to properly wear an N95 mask and, if the creature signs a release form, will be provided with LASIK surgery.” Cantrell proclaims: “No city in America has hardened its critical infrastructure in this way.” Fact checkers say she is correct. … Tulane caps a magical 12-2 season with a 35-31 victory over Southern Cal in the Cotton Bowl. Zapruder-style replay review shows former Archbishop Hannan High School principal and Tulane alum John Serio rushing the field in Trojan warrior gear during pre-game festivities to spook Traveler, USC’s white steed, with a copy of Virgil’s “Aeneid.” Serio owns up to his tactics: “Arma virumque cano …” He is taken to the medical tent for observation and misses the game. “It was kind of like being inside a Trojan horse without a DVR,” Serio says. … LSU manhandles Purdue, 31-14, in the Citrus Bowl. Brian Kelly sets his sights on offensive linemen and tight ends on signing day. … Georgia makes it back-to-back national titles with a 38-17 pasting of TCU. Bulldog QB Stetson Bennett wins the MVP but becomes the first player in NCAA history to conduct all post-game interviews without looking at the person asking the question. “I prefer staring into outer space,” Bennett says. “And, I have excellent hearing.” … In the NFC, the Eagles dispatch the 49ers, 28-17, to reach Super Bowl LVII in Glendale, Arizona. … The Chiefs claim the AFC title by finally getting over the Joe Burrow hump, beating the Bengals 38-21. … With Brandon Ingram returning from his toe injury, the Pelicans continue their climb into the top four in the NBA’s Western Conference. Pelicans’ radio man Todd Graffagnini promises to spice up his milquetoast play-by-play with a more vivacious delivery. “My church mouse days are over,” Graff says.

FEBRUARY: Patrick Mahomes is the difference against the Eagles’ pressure, leading KC to the Super Bowl title with four TD passes in a 35-20 victory. … Saints petition the NBA and the NFL to package some of the Pelicans’ excess No. 1 picks for Alabama QB Bryce Young. “It’s never been done before, but we’ve done some incredibly creative things with the salary cap that have never been done before,” Mickey Loomis says. Roger Goodell strips the Saints of No. 1s in 2024 and 2025 for the gall of thinking about it. … NOPD reports bus-jackings are up 79% from 2022. … Zion Williamson becomes the first player in NBA history to uncork a 720-degree windmill dunk. The Russian judge gives it a 9.5. The Suns file a protest for bruised feelings. … With NOLAToya mayoral recall numbers growing, Mayor Cantrell agrees to rein in her “Sister City” global tour, which included first-class travel to such hotbeds of economic reciprocity as Ascona, Switzerland, and Antibes on the French Riviera. Cantrell leads a bicycle entourage of top brass to New Orleans’ newest Twin “Sister Cities” – Cut Off and Chackbay. “No mayor has ever done this before,” she says. Fact checkers say she is correct. … Recall effort falls short of the 53,000-plus signatures required. “I will continue to do the city’s business, much of the time,” the mayor says.

MARCH: Kansas, Texas, Baylor and Arkansas reach the Final Four. … Jameis Winston signs a two-year deal with the Colts.

APRIL: Behind freshman Gradey Dicks’ 25-point performance, Kansas wins its fifth NCAA basketball title with an 88-79 victory over Arkansas. Contacted after coach Bill Self snips the nets, former LSU coach Will Wade rails in disgust: “How can Bill Self still be coaching?” NCAA promises an infractions committee report, due either by 2035 or by the time it takes the NOPD to respond to a 911 call. … At the Masters – won by Justin Thomas at 12-under 276 – the real fireworks occur during Wednesday’s par-3 tournament when Greg Norman, wearing a LIV Golf thobe (robe) and Saudi sunglasses, is tackled by Pinkerton security after trying to make it rain $100 bills on Magnolia Lane. … Trainer Tom Amoss captures his first Louisiana Derby with a strong stretch run by Hoosier Philly. … Pelicans finish 48-34 to claim the fourth seed in West. … Sam Burns (LSU) and Billy Horschel (Florida) team up to win the Zurich Classic. … With the Chargers’ first-round pick in the Sean Payton deal, the Saints select Baylor defensive tackle Siaki Ika. With the 50th overall pick in the second round, Saints select LSU edge rusher B.J. Ojulari.

MAY: Forte runs down New York Thunder to take the Kentucky Derby. … Matthew Fitzpatrick wins the PGA at Oak Hill in Rochester, New York. … Pelicans sweep the Clippers and close out the Suns in Game 7 to reach the Western Conference finals against the Grizzlies. Memphis extinguishes the Pels’ title dreams by ousting New Orleans in six to advance to the NBA finals against the Celtics … With Walker Howard the heir apparent to Jayden Daniels after spring drills, Garrett Nussmeier enters the second transfer portal. … “Take Your Mayor to Work Day” is canceled due to an impromptu Cantrell pilgrimage to Antarctica. “Glaciers are important to the snowball economy,” she explains. “We just need to develop a cheaper way to transport ice through the equator without it melting.” Trip isn’t a total meltdown. “Never look 17,262 frequent-flier miles in the mouth,” the mayor says. … Forte captures the Preakness.

JUNE: Paced by Ja Morant, Grizzlies manifest what a well-managed, small-market team can do by taking the NBA title with a Game 7 victory over the Celtics. … Jay Johnson’s improved pitching staff carries LSU to its 19th College World Series in Omaha. In an all-SEC final, LSU beats Tennessee 6-5 on a 10th-inning homer by Dylan Crews off Zach Joyce. … Viktor Hovland employs his laser accuracy at the U.S. Open to tame Los Angeles Country Club for his first major victory. … Cave Rock squashes Forte’s Triple Crown hopes in the Belmont.

JULY: Rory McIlroy repeats his 2014 British Open championship at Royal Liverpool, holding off Tommy Fleetwood for the claret jug. … Greg Norman hosts an alternate, 54-hole LIV scramble with Guinness chugging at nearby Caldy Golf Club, won by the team of Brooks Koepka and Dustin Johnson at 75-under-par for pro golf’s biggest purse, $1 billion. Koepka and Johnson collaborate on a strategy to buy 29 mulligans at $1 million each. “Do the math,” Koepka said. “It’s a no-brainer.” Koepka and Johnson graciously sign autographs for the Saudi royal family and the 175 fans who attend. … Rafael Nadal beats Matteo Berrettini at Wimbledon. 

AUGUST: LSU ranked No. 7 and Tulane No. 15 in preseason polls. … Texas coach Steve Sarkisian is blown away by freshman Arch Manning’s ability to pre-read defenses, but Quinn Ewers remains the starter. … Michael Thomas signs an endorsement deal with Bubble Wrap, complete with a catchy jingle: “You can’t guard Mike, but you certainly can wrap him up.” … Taysom Hill spotted working after practice with Jim Harbaugh on left-handed passing drills.

SEPTEMBER: Saints go 2-2 with wins over the Falcons and Panthers, but losses to the Vikings and Bucs. … LSU gains revenge for its missed extra point in the 2022 opener to beat Florida State, 42-20, in Week 1. Completes a 5-0 month with wins over Grambling, Mississippi State, Arkansas and Ole Miss. … Tulane sandwiches wins over South Alabama and Southern Mississippi with a home loss to Ole Miss.

OCTOBER: Saints continue their .500 dance with wins over the Texans and Packers but losses to the Titans and Rams. … LSU rolls to 8-0 with wins over Missouri, Auburn and Army. … Tulane beats South Florida, Tulsa and Houston, but falls to East Carolina to stand at 5-3. … With his seventh victory of the season, J.T. Curtis records his 622nd career win, surpassing South Carolina’s John McKissick for most wins by a high school football coach. … Dodgers power past the Yankees for the World Series title in six games.

NOVEMBER: In Tuscaloosa, Nick Saban hands Kelly his first loss, 30-20. Bama moves to 9-0 and finishes off an unbeaten regular season by winning the SEC West. … LSU finishes with wins over Florida, Georgia State and Texas A&M for an 11-1 record, but that’s not good enough to get to Atlanta. The Tigers will play TCU in the Cotton Bowl. … Tulane closes 8-4. … Jim Harbaugh installs the single wing. Taysom Hill works on behind-the-back laterals,  drop-kicking PATs and the Charleston.

DECEMBER: Saints enter January at 8-8 but miss the playoffs for the third straight season, finishing 9-8. … Work continues on the new Pontalba floating suite in the Superdome, with completion set for February 2025 and Super Bowl LIX. An innovative rail system allows the entire suite to slide, tracking the line of scrimmage. “I can’t be forced to watch games by turning my head too far to the left or the right,” Mayor Cantrell says. “It’s bad for my vagus nerve.” … Jerry Jones pounces on Cantrell’s architectural brainstorm and orders one for himself at AT&T Stadium. “Your mayor is a true visionary,” Jones says.

Happy New Year!

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