Parents at the sandbox: It’s not an Olympic competition

“Comparison is the thief of joy” has been attributed to a number of different people, including Theodore Roosevelt and C.S. Lewis. Recently, it’s become a profound quote in the world of parenting influencers on social media.

It makes sense. Parenting has become driven by competition. It’s weird. I’ve watched as moms – and yes, it is primarily moms, despite the increasing number of stay-at-home-dads and dads taking on larger parenting roles than in previous generations – literally compete with one another on social media over the stupidest things.

The latest comments I saw were over sleeplessness: whose child wakes up the most frequently during the night – as though there’s some prize to be had! Meanwhile, I’m over here just trying to survive and grateful that my kids are all finally sleeping through the night. (The competition happens, from what I’ve been told, on playgrounds as well.)       

In these moments, I find myself returning to the quote that I’ve seen on the influencers’ Instagrams. And it’s hard.

As a mom of twins, I remember our pediatrician telling me not to compare the boys to one another. They’re individual children with individual developments. It’s OK and natural, she said, for them to develop at different paces.

Despite that reassurance, it wasn’t any easier to see one child say his first words and wonder why the other hadn’t begun talking. I’d become hyper focused on trying to get to that important milestone within the appropriate developmental range.

Rather than enjoying the moments with them, taking in each surprising new stage, I was fixated on these milestones – especially when one had reached it and the other had not. After a while, though, it became exhausting. It wasn’t only sleep deprivation. It was getting caught up in what I was being told was “right.”

It wasn’t until my husband rightly pointed out that they have different learning styles that I was finally able to “let it go.” One learns by doing – and often “reaches” the milestone first, after many bumps and bruises along the way. The other watches and waits – he learns through observation – and often “does” it on the first try. Eventually, often within at least a week, they were both reaching the milestone.

It’s the same lesson that I’ve had to learn with our 5-month-old. I had to stop reviewing the twins’ first year and mentally comparing what they were doing to what he’s doing, because there’s so many differences. They’re different children. They have their own strengths and weaknesses. He’ll roll over consistently in his own time; for now, I’m enjoying the baby coos and grunts.

Instead, what I’ve learned is to silence those comparative voices. It’s like peer pressure. Just because others are doing it, doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily right for me – or for us.

To really enjoy these early years of parenthood, I’ve had to learn to do what’s best for our family – not what may have worked for a friend, or for my parents or for previous generations.

Because, let’s be honest: there’s enough stress involved in caretaking. We don’t need to add to it.

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