The one thing I’ve learned in marriage: My wife is ‘different’

By Dr. Mario Sacasa
Contributing writer

Recently, at one of our Willwoods married couples retreats, I was walking with a small group of couples from St. Joseph Abbey back to the retreat center.

My mind was on dinner, but one of the women in the group was thinking about something more substantial and asked me, “Mario, what is the one thing you have learned the most about marriage?”

The question caught me off guard. At that time, I’d been married for 18 years and had been a marriage counselor for 15 years. How could I possibly come up with one thing(!)? I quickly cycled through the Wikipedia of information in my brain about the nature of marriage, how to communicate well, raising kids, sex, etc. And, without really thinking it through, this is what came out of my mouth, “That my wife really is a different person.”

Go ahead and laugh. I know it sounds ridiculous to say this and, of course, it is a rather obvious statement, but it is a truth that we so often overlook.

Our spouse is another human being bestowed with her own intellect, will, desire, personality, capacities and limitations. The way she experiences life, what draws her attention, what thoughts permeate her mind, what she worries about – all of those things are different than my ruminations.

How often do we stop, pause and appreciate the goodness of those differences? The mystery inside of her is something unique and unrepeatable, and to choose marriage is to dedicate one’s life to the exploration, discovery and honoring of your spouse – regardless of how different they may seem from you.

Certainly, this presents a challenge. Often, disagreements arise in marriage because we fail to respect those differences.

How many times do we assume that our way of doing things is in fact the best way of doing things and we are completely shocked when our spouse offers a different perspective? I don’t know how many times I’ve looked at my wife and said, “You really did see that differently.”

(Side note: Little disagreements along the road are inevitable, but it becomes a red flag when you feel that there is bad intent on their part or a repeated pattern of deliberately being contrarian.)

We can do better to consider our spouse’s perspective more and stop presuming that they will eventually see things the way we do. They are their own person and that’s beautiful.

God gave us the spouse we have for a reason because the areas that are dissimilar often complement each other. When trust is the foundation of marriage, those differences can be a source of strength.

Time is one of those areas that Kristin and I experience differently. Professionally, I live by a clock. I can pretty much tell you when an hour is up at any given moment because I have conditioned my body to my work schedule of counseling sessions being on the hour.

As a mom who is homeschooling three boys, Kristin organizes her day differently. Yes, she has a plan but needs to be more flexible, based on how the boys’ learning is progressing or who needs more attention. She lives and operates in a freer-formed world.

For many years, this was a source of tension in our marriage. I always felt like we were running late or that she wasn’t considering my time. I know she felt that I was demanding or being overly rigid with the schedule. Through years of disagreement and many conversations, we’ve learned to navigate and respect how we each experience time. We lean on each other’s strengths now.

At times, my way is the appropriate response, and there are other moments when her way of doing things is the best approach. Again, when trust is the foundation, you can view those differences not as threats but as sources of accountability and strength.

So, yes, every day I am learning that my wife is a different person than I am, that she fundamentally experiences life uniquely, and that my way is only one way of doing things.

As I’ve learned to see this as a gift and not a threat to my ego, I am better at welcoming her perspective before rushing into a quick judgment or rash decision. It’s not perfect, but we’re getting there together.

sacasacounseling.com