A woman not defined by the number of kids

I recently attended a book launch for my friend and colleague’s first novel. At the event, I was introduced to a former member of my department – someone who had retired prior to my arrival in Montgomery. “And,” the individual proclaimed, “she has twin toddlers and an almost 2-year-old!”

Frequently, that tagline becomes associated with my identity. The inevitable follow-up is the question: “How do you get anything done?”

Frankly, the answer is the same for anyone who has a personal and professional life – it happens. Mostly, it happens because it must; there’s no alternative. The children need to be taken care of; the work must get done.

Creative solutions are made and equal sharing of responsibilities between my husband and myself certainly makes things somewhat easier. But at the end of the day, the answer is simple – necessity.

Underlying this question, of course, is the amazement and perhaps even a hint of curiosity: three children under the age of 4. The typical image of 2.5 children per American family that drove previous generations has fallen out of fashion. In 2022, that number dropped to 1.94 children under 18 in an American household, according to census data.

Part of the reason for the decline seems to be that marriage is less likely today among Americans. A 2021 Pew Research study of 2019 census data showed that only 53% of the population was married, and 9% was cohabitating with a partner.

The bright side of those numbers is that, seemingly, because Americans are waiting to get married (on average, men get married around age 30 and women are waiting until age 28, based on the census), they’re less likely to divorce. The divorce rate, in fact, has fallen; in 2019, there were 2.7 divorces out of a population of 1000 (in 2000, the rate was 4 divorces).

But statistics describe only part of the reason for the amazement. I remember growing up and attending Mass with my family on Sunday. As a three-child family, I frequently saw parishioner families that matched – or exceeded – my own family unit. Today, that’s not often the case.

Is it because of the growing secularization and the lessened belief in procreation as the foundation of marriage? Is it economics? Likely, it’s a mix of all these reasons – and many more.

I can’t say that I envisioned having three children. The odds for a multiple birth were high because of my own family history. But, I was still surprised when my doctor announced that there were two babies on the ultrasound, and I distinctly remember waiting anxiously for my second doctor to confirm my second pregnancy. “And there’s only one, right,” I had asked, hoping that God didn’t have a dark sense of humor.

Because, at the end of the day, three children under age 4 is a challenge. But it’s not insurmountable, and, when the first thing that another person can think to say about my identity is amazement at the number of children I have, it sparks annoyance. I’m not an anomaly. I’m just a regular mom who’s often just trying to make it to bedtime.

Dr. Heather Bozant Witcher can be reached at [email protected].