Fulfilled expectations are key to a good marriage

by Deacon Dave Farinelli

By Deacon Dave Farinelli
Guest Column

At one point in the Scriptures, Christ turns to his apostles asking: “What are you looking for?”

That is a question each of us should ask when we feel we are ready for marriage.

Are looks important? Do you like someone who is small, big, skinny, heavy, smart or not as quick? What do you look for?

Most people would agree the externals are not all that important. Age brings lots of changes.

So, what is important? I would say it is the heart, kindness, empathy, willingness to serve and to listen and to become one with this new person. So much of life requires dependence on one’s spouse. Is this person dependable? Does this person do what he or she has promised? These are the elements one looks for when dating.

It has been my experience in counseling couples that one spouse or the other doesn’t live up to the expectations of the other. When I’ve asked if it was this way when they first got together, the answer, thankfully, is no. Their relationship was much better. Rarely will the couple respond, “It has always been this way.”

Side note here: If unfulfilled expectation is the case with you, find a qualified marriage and family therapist to assist you.

The idea is to form a strong bond with each other, enabling both of you to work as a seamless team. This requires lots of communication, sharing ideas and dreams, agendas, schedules, appointments and obligations. No one reads minds, and not everyone has a great memory.

Take the time to make notes in your calendar or on your phone. Put alarms on those in your notes to alert you to what you need to remember. Don’t just blow things off because you assume they will get over it in time.

If your spouse is No. 1 in your life, before making any decisions, she/he should be the first person you speak to in order to come to a joint decision. This is contrary to what our world thinks. We have long thought we each can make our own decisions, regardless of whether or not it will affect anyone else. Every action we take or don’t take sends out ripples that affect someone else. Everything counts in some manner.

Go back to the question Christ posed: “What are you looking for?”

Build a marriage on the best characteristics of each other. If one or both of you have to make changes – be a better listener, be more flexible, be more attentive to the other – then make those changes now, not down the road. Keep prayer in your marriage as a couple always. Always know that God is available to you. Just turn to him.

Deacon Dave Farinelli is a clinical supervisor and counselor at Catholic Counseling Service. He can be reached at [email protected].