Marriage is not just drinking sweet wine but also handling the bitter

By Deacon David Farinelli

One day the mother of James and John, who was concerned about the welfare of her sons, asked Jesus if they would be seated on his right and on his left when he entered into his kingdom.

Instead of answering her directly, Jesus replied instead with a question: “Are you able to drink the chalice that I am to drink?” 

This is the appropriate answer every bride should give her proposing groom when he asks her to marry. 

Before you throw stones at me and scream and holler, let me unravel this for you. When we first meet the person we believe will be the person we want to share our life with, we foresee only good times, joy and happiness. We believe we have enough happiness stored up within us as individuals and as a couple to overcome whatever challenges will befall us.

As one who has done marriage counseling and prepared many engaged couples for marriage over the years, it’s apparent to me that couples continue to ignore or overlook troubles ahead. After all, they love each other!

Jesus knew what the future would bring for his disciples. As a result, he could give them a “heads-up.” Yet, just like the brides and grooms of today, the magnitude and duration of trouble elude us. We don’t see long-term issues happening to us.

We have only to reflect on the vows we make at the wedding ceremony itself. Those words should give us an idea of what we are going to face over a lifetime of sharing a life: “In good times and in bad, sickness and health, richer or poor until death do us part!”

I would hope you noticed there were no exception clauses, doesn’t-feel-good sections, or tired-of-having-to-work-at-this paragraphs. 

On top of that, at the end of the nuptial ceremony, it is proclaimed “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” That means judges, lawyers or anyone else who might try to split a marriage!

All of this is to say that couples should start off talking about how they will push through challenges and still remain loving to each other. In school, we experienced fire drills and learned about earthquakes and hurricanes – almost every type of natural disaster. We have procedures to get through those moments alive. Unfortunately, we don’t practice having heated discussions or being certain we don’t physically strike out at each other. Rather, we assume our love will enable us to get through it.

Most of us expect our lives to move smoothly without a lot of challenges or difficulties. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Hard times come to each of us financially or through work or illness, and some of these situations can be severe and long lasting. These are times that require us to make major adjustments to our lives. These are the times we find ourselves “drinking from the chalice” of the Lord.

Christ has warned us we are each called to be “slaves” or “servants” to one another. That is how the Son came “not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life.” Jesus is our model for marriage  – serving one another as he has taught us. Marriage becomes the vehicle in which we are transformed from individuals to a couple. That is our goal.

Deacon David Farinelli is clinical supervisor and counselor at the Catholic Counseling Service, 2814 S. Carrollton Ave., New Orleans. He can be reached at (504) 861-6245.