New journal helps moms unpack their special role

Above: Ty Salvant and her husband Derrick are the parents of six children. (Photos courtesy of the Salvant family)

By BETH DONZE
Clarion Herald

On Mother’s Day 2016, each of Ty Salvant’s five children gave her a card listing 10 reasons why he or she loved her.

Although Salvant appreciated their thoughts, she craved something more substantial – their actions, rather than their words, however sweet.

A more fitting gift from her kids, Salvant thought, would be to clean the house while she took a nap.

“When I gave myself time to process it, I realized that it was because it felt like an afterthought,” said Salvant, now the mother of six children ranging in age from 2 to 19.

So, that Mother’s Day, Salvant took herself to lunch, began to reflect on her role as a mother and wrote down 10 things her kids might do for her around the house. She realized she needed a single space in which to corral all their musings about motherhood, but couldn’t find one “that was asking the questions that I was thinking about.” 

“I just thought, ‘Am I being the mom I want to be?’ ‘What memories are they going to have of me when they leave the house?’ ‘What do I need them to know before they leave the house?’” she said.

Five years later, Salvant’s self-published “My Journal Series: A Mother’s Reflection” arrives this Mother’s Day to offer mothers of all ages a home for their most cherished recollections, challenges and hopes about the gift of motherhood.

Mothers are undervalued

Reminiscent of a baby book, the journal turns the lens squarely on the mother’s journey, providing resources, tips, reflection questions and flower-framed writing spaces.

A parishioner of St. Dominic Church and Dominican High alumna whose endeavors include chairing the archdiocesan Committee for Racial Equity and Justice, being district coordinator for New Orleans Engaged Encounter and a columnist for the Clarion Herald’s NOLA Catholic Parenting blog, Salvant begins with a premise: Although culture claims to value motherhood, in reality mothers are undervalued in proportion to what they give.

“We feel unseen, unappreciated, unheard, almost invisible, sometimes, as mothers. No mom should ever feel like that,” Salvant said.

“As moms, we focus on the one ball that we dropped – the one time that we were two minutes late; the one time we forgot to pack lunch; the one time we found the white socks and not the blue socks – as opposed to the 99 times we got it right,” said Salvant, whose journal invites moms to list their weekly parenting “wins” – so they can revisit them when they are feeling down on themselves.

Resist going on guilt trips

One list ticks off what society deems to be “A Good Mom.” Salvant said pressures include family size (having “just one” or “too many” children); style of discipline; and schooling choice. 

“Whether you work outside the home or whether you are a stay-at-home-mom; whether you nurse or you don’t; whether you use cloth diapers or whether you don’t; whether you use time-out or whether you don’t; whether you never use a babysitter or whether you do – none of those things make you a good mom!” Salvant said. “It’s the decisions that you make, the love that you give, day after day, that make you a good mother. We have to let go of that guilt!”

Our maternal models vary

The journal’s earliest pages offer space in which moms can recollect their own mothers, list their childhood thoughts about motherhood and reflect on how those expectations had changed over time. The journal asks, “What would you like to replicate from your childhood and what things do you want to change?”

“We learn how to be moms from our moms, or from that mother figure in our life,” Salvant said. “Some of us have really great moms and say, ‘Yes I want to do that,’ and others who didn’t (have a great example) can strive to do better for their children.

“Maybe you never went on vacation, and maybe you want to change that, or maybe you took vacations, but they were stressful” (and you don’t want to repeat that), Salvant said.

A large section of the journal is devoted to the importance of self-care. Salvant asked her fellow mothers to name what they did to take time out for themselves. Most responded, “I don’t know what I like.”

“I am not a fan of mothers having to play the martyr; I am not a fan of how mothers just pour and pour, and never fill their cup up,” said Salvant, noting that this mindset can lead to frustration, poor hygiene, emotional eating and other health issues.

“I think it’s super important not only for us to take care of ourselves, but for us to show other people how to love and care for us,” Salvant said.

Self-care, Salvant contends, doesn’t have to mean an expensive spa day; it can be something as simple as building something, learning something new, turning your bedroom into a sanctuary or going for morning walks.

To solve this problem of mothers not knowing what to do with their rare free time, the journal invites moms to brainstorm their favorite activities and place them in two categories – “cost” (free, under $10, over $10); and “time” (five, under 30 or over 30 minutes).

“So, if you’re waiting in the carpool line for 30 minutes, you can look at this list (and use that time for yourself),” Salvant said. 
Processing the lows

The book doesn’t shy away from the more challenging aspects of motherhood, offering tips from real moms who have experienced co-parenting, infertility and miscarriage.

“You need a good support system,” said Salvant, who endured five miscarriages. “You need to treat your body with so much gentleness after a miscarriage. What I realized with the earlier miscarriages, since I didn’t tell anybody, was that everybody had the same expectations of me, and I pushed myself to do the things I would usually do, because I couldn’t say, ‘I need a day. I need a week. I need to grieve. I need some time to process.’”

Another section opens up the conversation on a topic of motherhood that is rarely discussed: the shifting dynamics between a mother and her adult children. Salvant notes that in most cases, women are mothers of adults far longer than they are of children and teens. Her main tip: The mother and the adult child need to be clear in their respective expectations of one another.

“They graduate, but you’re still a mother, and you still worry, and you still care!” Salvant said.

“My Journal Series: A Mother’s Reflection” is $24.95. Order at www.myjournalseries.com.

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