Sports will be crazy in '24, as only Buddy D. would love

By Peter Finney Jr.
Clarion Herald


Buddy Diliberto (far right) was a sportswriter for The Times-Picayune and an inveterate gambler at about the same time that my dad, Peter Finney Sr. (center), began writing his New Year’s prediction column for the coming 12 months in sports. Buddy would bet on anything that moved. When Nikita Khrushchev brought the world to the brink of nuclear war over the Cuban missile crisis in late October 1962, Buddy could think of only one thing: “Pete, this is bad. Do you think they’re going to cancel the LSU-Ole Miss game on Saturday?” Khrushchev backed down on Sunday, Oct. 28, 1962, and LSU-Ole Miss went on as scheduled the next Saturday in Tiger Stadium. Ole Miss won, 15-7, and Buddy probably lost. Buddy had a heart of gold and a soft spot for children. At a WWL radiothon for Children’s Hospital one December, Buddy reflected on his emotional tour of the medical facility. “It was tough walking down the hall seeing all those kids hooked up to their RVs,” he told his audience. While Buddy’s syntax was fractured, his heart was intact. In honor of Buddy and my dad, take a stroll through the next 12 months in sports:

JANUARY: With Heisman winner Jayden Daniels sitting out the ReliaQuest Bowl in Tampa, 2024 starter Garrett Nussmeier tosses for three TDs in LSU’s 38-35 victory over Wisconsin on New Year’s Day. … In the Rose Bowl CFP semifinal, Alabama rolls past Michigan 31-21, and Texas dispatches Washington, 24-23, in the Sugar Bowl, which is played despite a 10-inch, 1,000-year thunderstorm that leaves Turbines 4 and 5 in a state of suspended animation. “We think we have this figured out,” S&WB chief Ghassan Korban says from the 44th floor of the nearby but shuttered Plaza Tower. “When we convert our 25-watt power to 30-watt, the turbines should really start humming. We’re in the testing stages now. Check back in 2027.” … Through a sister-city-country arrangement with The Netherlands, 450,000 lifejackets embroidered with the mugshot of Mayor LaToya Cantrell are distributed following a press conference in Jackson Square. King Willem-Alexander foots the bill, even though he’s a bit taken aback by the 35% royalty import fee imposed at the Gov. Nicholls Street Wharf. Extra lifejackets available in boxes under the Pontalba balcony. … Five-game winning streak to close out the season at 10-7 saves Dennis Allen’s job, but the Saints make a quick playoff exit with a home wild-card loss to the Cowboys, 35-10. ... In the CFP championship, Nick Saban gets a do-over for Bama’s only loss and dominates his former offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian as the Tide crushes Texas, 42-17, to hand Saban his eighth national title. … Brian Kelly decides against replacing defensive coordinator Matt House, instead targeting defensive backs in the transfer portal. … Kelly gets an elite present as Belleville (Michigan) High School’s Bryce Underwood, the No. 1 QB prospect in the nation for 2025, signs with the Tigers for $1 million in NIL money. ... Meanwhile, Tulane superfan John Serio augments the “Fear the Wave” NIL slush fund by selling lemonade to the Tesla and Mercedes crowd as they drive through the electrified gate at Audubon Place and roll down their tinted windows. “We’ve got $10,000 in the kitty so far,” Serio gushes. “We’re taking this thing to the next level. But let’s be honest. We have recruiting limitations. It’s hard to find a 350-pound tackle who can recite Cicero and define the outer limits of pi.” … In an NFC Championship Game thriller, the 49ers and Cowboys go to overtime, with the Niners closing out Dallas 30-24 on Deebo Samuel’s 56-yard catch and run. … In the AFC title game, the Ravens hand the Chiefs their first home playoff loss under Patrick Mahomes as Lamar Jackson accounts for 375 yards from scrimmage in a 31-28 victory.

FEBRUARY: The 49er defense throttles the Ravens, 28-10, in Super Bowl LVIII, and “Mr. Irrelevant” Brock Purdy becomes the lowest-drafted quarterback (262nd overall) to win a Super Bowl since Brad Johnson (No. 227) in 1992. … With the presidential primary season heating up, the FBI raids the home of Mike Lindell, the “My Pillow Guy,” and charges him with stalking through a two-way mirror. … Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry stabilizes police presence on Mardi Gras routes by dispatching an undercover wing of the 610 Stompers with facial-recognition cams pinned to their red headbands and beaded, purple-green-and-gold Kevlar vests. … Despite a five-game Mardi Gras road trip, the Pelicans put together an 8-3 month to soar to the No. 4 seed in the West. … With an Evel Knievel-like plunge into the Snake River, Allstate fires Mayhem as well as the creative team that foisted such an advertising virus upon America in 2010. … The “EMU-EMU” death watch is on at Liberty Mutual.

MARCH: On Super Tuesday, a Chinese weather balloon is spotted 70,000 feet over a northern California military site. Air Force fighter jets scramble and find, upon closer inspection, a cryptic message: “You are not alone. Our other balloon is over Stone Mountain, Georgia, and is sending water vapor disinformation to Jim Cantore.” Cantore makes good on Chinese ransom demand by doing 300 Tai Chi pushups.

APRIL: Kim Mulkey returns to her second straight NCAA Women’s Final Four (along with South Carolina, Iowa and North Carolina State). Mulkey is late for her opening press conference because PETA is deposing her for wearing an endangered eelskin blouse, dyed color-rush pink. The deposition gets testier than an Angel Reese press conference. “This is fake eelskin!” Mulkey insists to PETA’s lawyers. “Write what I tell you to write! No eels were harmed. Maybe a few retinas.” … Freshman Mikaylah Williams’ 25-point performance in a 77-74 finals victory over Iowa gives the Tigers their second consecutive title. … The men’s Final Four includes Purdue, Kentucky, Creighton and Kansas. In the finals, sharpshooting forward Mason Miller nails six 3-pointers for Creighton in an 89-75 victory over Purdue. … At the Masters, John Rahm raises the fittingly green-and-white flag for Saudi-backed LIV Golf with a 13-under 275 for his second straight green jacket. ... LSU’s Jayden Daniels culminates his meteoric rise by going No. 2 overall to the Patriots in the NFL draft. Saints take Ohio State edge rusher J.T. Tuimoloau.

MAY: Dornoch, the full brother of 2023 Kentucky Derby winner Mage, takes the Derby for trainer Danny Garland. ... At the PGA Championship at Valhalla in Louisville, hometown boy Justin Thomas shakes off his putting woes for his third major championship. … With no end in sight in pro golf’s civil war, Jack Nicklaus summons Greg Norman, Rory McIlroy and Tiger Woods to his oceanside palace in North Palm Beach for an exercise in Camp David  detente. With no sushi or wagyu beef served for 48 hours, the team hammers out an agreement to save pro golf for the next century:  The four majors will now allow players to buy three mulligans a round (using LIV promissory notes), and putts of less than 5 feet are deemed stone cold dead. Also, 14-year-old Charlie Woods is awarded a 2029 LIV franchise. The newly established Fungible Rules Committee is chaired by Patrick Reed, who wowed Jack and Tiger in a special Zoom presentation by singing the praises of the Stihl chainsaw as a legitimate 15th club in the bag. “You can only use the chainsaw on trees less than 20 feet in diameter,” Reed assures.  ... Todd Pletcher-trained Locked takes the Preakness. ... After a 47-35 finish, Pelicans defeat the Grizzlies in the first round, but bow to the Suns in the quarterfinals.    

JUNE: Sweden phenom Ludvig Aberg’s power and accuracy tame Pinehurst No. 2, handing the 25-year-old his first major championship at the U.S. Open. … Knightsbridge captures the Belmont. ... Celtics break through for their first NBA title in 16 years with a six-game defeat of the up-and-coming Thunder. ... With hurricane season here, the S&WB creates an info-packed brochure listing the city’s Top 10 neutral grounds for emergency parking in the remote chance of a flood. Surprisingly, Esplanade Avenue’s 2-foot-wide median comes in at No. 7 in the S&WB’s pro-and-con analysis: “Esplanade’s neutral ground has an invitingly high crest due to its prized location on the Esplanade Ridge, but it loses some points for its narrow profile. This is a car’s dream safe haven if you can handle the inconvenience of a smashed carburetor or a cracked engine block.”

JULY: Greece’s Stefanos Tsitsipas stuns Novak Djokovic in the Wimbledon finals, and Russia’s Mirra Aleksandrova Andreeva bests Karolina Muchova for the women’s title. In the parallel Buddy Diliberto (“Dick and Jane Early Reader”) Wimbledon competition, Stan Smith defeats Rod Laver, and Margaret Smith takes down Ann Jones. … After a fourth-place finish in 2023, Viktor Hovland captures the British Open at Royal Troon in a four-hole playoff against Joaquin Niemann.

AUGUST: New Orleans boasts another Fortune 500 company besides Entergy as business explodes for Safelite auto glass repairs. “Location, location, location,” Safelite CEO Charles “Chip” Crystal says. ... Tulane begins first fall camp under Jon Sumrall, and John Serio is spotted on Willow Street selling green lemonade.

SEPTEMBER: Faced with a first-place schedule, Saints drop home-opener to Sean Payton’s Broncos, 35-10. “We just need to be more consistent,” Dennis Allen says. ... Saints go 2-2. ...  LSU finally figures out a way to start fast, nipping USC 27-24 in the Vegas Kickoff Classic. Wins over Nicholls, South Carolina, UCLA and South Alabama highlight a 5-0 month. ... Tulane goes 2-2 with wins over Southeastern and Louisiana sandwiching losses to Kansas State and Oklahoma.     

OCTOBER: The Yankees’ newly acquired offensive punch – superstar outfielder Juan Soto – pays off in a big way, powering New York to a seven-game World Series championship over the Dodgers and their $700 million man, Sohei Ohtani. Soto and Aaron Judge account for nine homers in the playoffs, three off Ohtani. … In the first-ever CGI presidential debate, President Biden’s hologram defaults into factory mode, like Buzz Lightyear speaking Spanish in “Toy Story 3,” and Donald Trump’s hologram gets stuck in a loop: “I’m intelligent. Some people would say I’m very, very, very intelligent.” ... Saints slide to 3-5  with losses to the Browns, Falcons and Bucs. ... Ole Miss hands LSU its first loss, but the Tigers rebound to beat Arkansas and Texas A&M. ... Tulane beats Charlotte, Navy and North Texas on the road, but falls to Memphis to stand at 5-3.   

NOVEMBER: U.N. observers fan out to certify presidential election results. ... U.S. Supreme Court rules the Electoral College will now be known as the Electoral High School. ... Saints lose five straight, one for every finger Derek Carr points at a teammate. ... LSU loses to Alabama but beats Florida, Vanderbilt and Oklahoma to finish 10-2 and secure a CFB playoff spot. ... Tulane beats Temple and UAB but falls to Rice and USF to finish 7-5.

DECEMBER: Saints finish 5-12 and fire Dennis Allen. ... The first-ever, 12-team College Football Playoff bracket, which includes five SEC teams, is set: 1. Alabama; 2. Georgia; 3. Michigan; 4. Oregon; 5. Texas;  6. Utah; 7. Ohio State; 8. Missouri; 9. Ole Miss; 10. LSU; 11. Oklahoma; 12. Notre Dame. The top four teams get first-round byes, setting up these Round 1 matchups: Texas-Notre Dame; Utah-Oklahoma; Ohio State-LSU; Missouri-Ole Miss. … Alabama, Georgia, Utah and Ole Miss advance to the Final Four. ... Biden-Trump advance to the Final Two, with no clear winner in sight. Amazingly, they agree to wear blindfolds and draw straws. Nothing possibly can go wrong with that. ... My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over. Our Constitution works; our great Republic is a government of laws and not of men. ... Please, have a Happy New Year!
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