What should you do when a loved one dies?

Betty-Ann Hickey, associate director of the archdiocesan Office of Worship, sat down with the Clarion Herald to discuss how families can find resources through their church parish to prepare for the funeral of a loved one.

What is the first thing a family should do when a loved one dies?

One of the things that funeral directors in our area talk about is how, so often, the priest is the last one to know what has happened. The first call should be to their parish priest. The funeral rites actually don’t begin with the funeral. They begin with the prayers after death, and so often people are deprived of that because they call everybody but the priest. If those prayers after death are not done, the priest is not able to provide pastoral care to the family in that immediate time after death. Sometimes families will come into the funeral home with a date for the funeral chosen, but they haven’t talked with the church. Then they may get upset because the church isn’t available. So, ideally, the priest would be the first person who would be called.

If a person is experiencing an extended illness, that conversation could begin even earlier.

Yes. Before someone dies, that person can be accompanied with the last rites, which is not anointing of the sick, although anointing of the sick can be part of it. There are specific prayers and specific rites that are intended to help this person ease into death. “Viaticum” is known as “food for the journey.” It’s also to provide support and pastoral care to the members of the family. In many cases, a person close to death can no longer receive Communion, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything that can be done. The priest or the deacon or even a layperson can do these prayers before death. There are also prayers after death. And then, that’s where the funeral rites actually begin, so if the priest is engaged in this whole process, then that makes everything easier for everybody.

Can the prayers after death be done without the presence of the body?

Yes. They can be done by the priest or a deacon or by a member of the family. Those prayers are available on the USCCB website (www.usccb.org).

Should you call the priest any time of day or night when a loved one dies?

When someone’s dying, people shouldn’t be afraid to disturb the priest. It’s his job! And, while he might not be able to drop everything and go, to have that connection on the phone, even if he’s not able to be physically present, then he can still be present through prayer.

Is there a stated preference for celebrating the Funeral Mass in the parish church versus the funeral home?

The universal church rule says that Funeral Masses are to be in churches. Celebrating Funeral Masses in funeral homes is really a New Orleans thing. When priests from other parts of the country visit New Orleans, they’re actually shocked that this is permitted here. It doesn’t exist in other parts of the country.

How did this practice take hold in New Orleans?

As I understand it, it came out of Hurricane Betsy in 1965. So many of our churches were damaged and weren’t able to be used, so funerals were being celebrated in the funeral homes. Then, as the churches began to get repaired, it became very difficult to have funerals in the churches because the workers were working in the church with all the scaffolding. So, funerals began to be celebrated more and more in the funeral homes. There was at least one funeral home that decided that since Funeral Masses were going to be celebrated in their funeral home, they wanted it to be done the right way. So, they were going to create a sacred space, a chapel, because it meant an awful lot to have this be done reverently. So, they went ahead and they created a chapel. When the churches reopened, people still liked the convenience of having the Funeral Mass in the funeral home. My understanding is that the archbishop at the time decreed that Funeral Masses could be done in funeral homes if the funeral home had a dedicated chapel.

Does the idea of celebrating the Funeral Mass in the parish church stem from the importance of where that person lived out his or her faith?

Yes.

The archdiocese has a protocol for what are called “words of remembrance,” which is different from a eulogy, which is not permitted. Is there still some confusion with that?

I think part of it has to do with the fact that it’s difficult to write one of these. What folks sometimes forget is that this isn’t supposed to be about inappropriate stories. This is about the person who died and not about the person who’s giving the words of remembrance, and, in many cases, what’s said is more about the person who’s speaking than about the person who died. I suspect that’s probably because it’s a little less painful to talk about yourself. Words of remembrance are really supposed to be about who this person was and how did this person change people’s lives? How did this person make their world better? How did this person live their faith? It really should just be one person speaking on behalf of the family. Now, that doesn’t mean if you have three siblings, all three of them can’t stand up there together. These words of remembrance should be written with your siblings so that everyone’s input is included, and then have one person speak.

Does the worship office get calls about what is or is not permitted at a funeral?

There are so many new developments in terms of what can be done with cremated remains. Every time I turn around, I come across something new. You hear about “let’s turn Grandma into a diamond or a tree.” While these things are well-intentioned, they miss the mark on what we believe is the value of the human body. So, if you turn this person’s cremated remains into a diamond, you’re going to wear this. Is the next person who wears this going to understand what this is? I get phone calls from folks who have found cremated remains in urns at Goodwill or in the dumpster. I get phone calls from generations down the line who say, “I have my great aunt’s ashes. I don’t want them.” And, then, they may not necessarily treat them with the respect due to a human body, not to mention that those remains become the possession of just one person. If I have Grandma’s remains in my house, I’m then in control of who can and can’t come and visit and anyone can come and pray. I know that the family members who chose to keep those remains never imagined this would happen.

Where can someone read the protocols for cremation and words of remembrance?

They are listed on the Office of Worship website on the downloads page (www.nolacatholic.org). We meet annually with the funeral home directors. Our next project is working with funeral homes on a funeral planning booklet that would go into more depth of explaining how to plan a Funeral Mass.

This is a stressful time for families.

Yes, and people may not be thinking completely straight at that moment. It does no one any good to ask a family in the worst time of their life to do something they’ve never done before. Planning a Mass is not something most Catholics do, right? They would struggle in making these decisions on good days. I know that most, if not all, of our parishes have some way of walking with families through this and making these decisions. Families shouldn’t feel obligated to choose readings or to choose music. It’s OK to say, “Father, I don’t know. Whatever you think is best.”

Are there some funeral traditions that you would love to see return?

It breaks my heart to see that vigil services have kind of fallen by the wayside. It used to be that the night before, folks would gather in the presence of the body and there would be a wake service. Funeral rites reflect the stages that we go through as we pass through grief. So, the prayers after death talk about shock. Then, the prayers of the vigil service talk about grief and about supporting one another in our grief. When we move on to the Funeral Mass, the prayers actually change from the beginning of the Mass to the end of the Mass. At the very beginning of Mass, the prayers are more focused on grief. At the end of Mass, the prayers are more focused on the hope of eternal life. Then when we go to the cemetery, the prayers are focused on eternal life and the resurrection.

– Peter Finney Jr.

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